Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
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My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.