Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
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[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Need WebMD
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.