Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
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If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.