Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
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Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
choose your fighter
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.