Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
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Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.