Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
You Might Also Like
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.