Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
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*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]