Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
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Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.