Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
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“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
What do you hear?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving