Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
You Might Also Like
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?