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Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke