Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
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I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
.. do you even science?
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.