Found a free bandaid at the pool.
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Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
so this horse walks into a bar
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
The French word for sex is croissant.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby