Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
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[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
quarantine day 3
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.