Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
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My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
goldfish mafia
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.