ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
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My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.