I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
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health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Nice try Hitler
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I identify as an antique shop.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.