[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
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singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
May have had one breakfast too many
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic