Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
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Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.