I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
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Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.