Squeak, squeak, squeak!
You Might Also Like
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
some things should go without saying
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)