Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
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me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
why I oughta
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.