[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
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Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.