[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
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I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Van Gone
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
WTF
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
i dont have time for this
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
This could be us but you eatin’
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.