I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
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When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.