[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
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ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
live long and prosper!
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.