BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
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I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
You’ll be OK
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”