My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
You Might Also Like
Life hack
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday