Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
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Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.