Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new