My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
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Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*