ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
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[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.