“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
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I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.