Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
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coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Ain’t no way
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
how high up are we talkin’?
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip