Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
You Might Also Like
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs