How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
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If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??