Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
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My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*