Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
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Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.