fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
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In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
She was REALLY feeling it.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!