me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
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ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
This is my brand.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.