Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
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my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
🙂🐾
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I identify as an antique shop.