The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
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i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Seek kebab; not attention
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Friends that check up on you >
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?