Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
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Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.