Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
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All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
This raises questions
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda