My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
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Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.