*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
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We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Love is in the air fryer.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”