Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
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BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone