Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
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I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
This is me
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience