If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
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If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.