BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
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I’d … I’d rather not.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I really had high hopes for this year though
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.